Sunday, May 5, 2013

*****DISCLAIMER***** This is a vulnerable post.

This is an honest post.  The LORD is bringing freedom in my life and I want to blog my journey through it.  You don't have to read. I want to be vulnerable and share my heart.  My life is not full of roses currently.  I, however, do proclaim victory in Jesus. Even though I am not free right now I am professing there will be freedom! ONLY in Christ because he brings true Freedom & Victory. Nothing else can.

Depression.  It is feeling sad. Loss of interest. Inactivity. Difficulty in thinking and concentrating.  Difficulty eating and sleeping.  Feelings of hopelessness and dejection.

I finally came out and vocalized it recently.  I suffer from depression.

I never thought I was depressed.  I just thought I had been through difficult times, which had left me feeling the blues, not so much depression, until the past few years have came and gone.  I have hit rock bottom experiencing every exact one of those terms defining depression.

I am the sixth child of eight.  The youngest girl and two brothers below me.  At an early age I learned independence and what it felt like to have to be responsible.  With this came hardship.

College was tough.  I worked 25-40 hrs a week while taking 15-18 college credit hours.  I made payments on a car and a cell phone.  I also paid for all my living expenses and groceries.  I even had to move myself in and out of the dorm room by myself.  

Hardship.  That was hard. I remember looking around at my college buddies as they talked about their free nights, their spring break trips,  their freedom.  They all had laptops. I had to use the library computers.  They all had meal cards.  I had a week grocery budget.  I'm sure some of them didn't even know what a budget was at that time, but I did.   Resentment came. Envy, jealousy, anger started early then on.  Life is not fair.  I started feeling blue.

My parents were supportive, but not so understanding.  My parents went through hardship.  They knew what it was like to go without your wants and to live in your need.  This was a hard lesson for me.  They helped me through some financials, but of course my mind was always what I didn't have.  A few times I called home asking for money and I was lectured of how irresponsible I was and that I needed to get my priorities straight.  I cried. A LOT.

Financial hardship.  I have grew up with it. Lived in it. Seen the destruction. Experienced the pain it brings.

I thought marriage would bring comfort with financial hardship. I thought a second salary would help relieve some of this pressure.  I was wrong. 

My husband went into ministry and there's not a lot of money that has come with that.  I worried day in and day out about money.  It became an idol in my life.

Worry.  I took it to the cross and I have found victory.  Resentment though I have not. Money I have not. 

My husband left his full-time job 2 weeks before the delivery of my first child.  He was without a full-time job for over a year.  I worked 40+hrs a week on a salary.  There were months we could not make ends meat.  That was the first time in my life I was not able to pay all of my bills.  Before I had always had a job that I could work overtime and could work extra hours to cover extra expense. Not this time.  I had to trust the Lord that each month the bills would get paid.  They did get paid, but not the way I wanted them too.

I was mad that my husband wasn't working, that I wasn't home with our baby. and that I continue to have to take full responsibility for everything.  Well thats the way I felt even if that wasn't really happening.  I was mad, angry, and resentful.

Hence the reason for my last post on discontentment.

The LORD did open a great opportunity for my husband and a little bit of money.  Part-time work.  Yes the LORD is sovereign and he is GOOD, but this in my mind is not enough for me.  I'm being honest.  I'm struggling with feeling provided for and always carrying the heavy financial burden.  I'm falling apart.

Then my mother passed away January 31st.  I broke down, fell apart, and felt as if I could go on no more.  *** I'll save this for another blog post one day of how this has affected me.

I am in a deep PIT. the very bottom.  When I didn't want to hang out with my husband, see my friends or leave the house I realized I am not right.   I took a health survey at work and the results popped up, "You are Depressed and should seek help."

A light bulb came on in my head.

I am Depressed and for the first time -  I said it OUT LOUD.

I don't want to live this way anymore.  You know that life that is JOYFUL, VICTORIOUS, LIFE GIVING, and  HAPPY.  A life where my husband knows that I love him, respect him, and believe in him.  Thats what I want.  I'm ready to fight this battle of depression.  I'm ready to take it to the cross and let Jesus when this whole area of my life.  I'm confronting this DEPRESSION, the stuff that has brought it on, and dealing with it.

I'm getting out of this PIT and one day I will share my testimony of what the LORD has brought me through. I'm going to be able to tell others how GOD is good and how we need to fight for freedom and not let the devil get an foothold in our life. I'm going to live as a VICTORIOUS WOMAN OF CHRIST!

I started sharing a lot of my heart with my husband.  I have started seeing counseling.  I went to my doctor.  I am taking steps to healing.  *** I have an amazing supportive husband and in the past month he has went above and beyond to help me, I LOVE HIM ****

However, true freedom and healing only comes from the LORD.  So it is him whom my help comes from. It is Jesus that will bring victory.  So I run to him, arms wide open, asking him to come in and rescue me.

I have been camped out on this scripture lately.

Habbakkuk 3:17-18 
Though the fig tree does not bud
    and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails
    and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen
    and no cattle in the stalls,
18 yet I will rejoice in the Lord,
    I will be joyful in God my Savior.

Psalm 20[a]

For the director of music. A psalm of David.

May the Lord answer you when you are in distress;
    may the name of the God of Jacob protect you.
May he send you help from the sanctuary
    and grant you support from Zion.
May he remember all your sacrifices
    and accept your burnt offerings.[b]
May he give you the desire of your heart
    and make all your plans succeed.
May we shout for joy over your victory
    and lift up our banners in the name of our God.
May the Lord grant all your requests.
Now this I know:
    The Lord gives victory to his anointed.
He answers him from his heavenly sanctuary
    with the victorious power of his right hand.
Some trust in chariots and some in horses,
    but we trust in the name of the Lord our God.
They are brought to their knees and fall,
    but we rise up and stand firm.
Lord, give victory to the king!
    Answer us when we call!

Today I watched this video.  Please watch it.  It is about an hour long, but soooo good.


and I have been moved by these songs.

Jesus Culture - Freedom Reigns

Bones - Hillsong United

Pray with me along this journey,  I love you,

1 comment:

Mrs.NatClem said...

Praying, Erica. I'm glad you are blogging your journey. I pray it will be healing for you, and I'm sure it will encourage others as you offer understanding of this journey of depression and continually look to Jesus for freedom. Trusting in His goodness to complete this work in you. Love you.