Monday Musings

I have a lot going on in my brain lately.

1.  I have been told quite often that I am bossy.  I don't know whether to take this as a compliment or something negative.  My hearts desire is definitely to be that of the woman described in 1 Peter - the woman with a gentle and quiet spirit.  Reflecting on this personality trait and hoping the LORD will transform me as I submit to him or use my bossiness in a way to give him glory.

2.  My words with my husband can be quite lethal and stabbing.  My tone. My demeanor.  I'm not very nice to him I am realizing.  I want this to change.  To speak words of love, gratitude.  To be his cheerleader and someone that respects him greatly.

3.  I seem so indecisive about things and pursue a thousand things at once.  I'm always wanting something around me to change.  Be content my soul. Please be content.

4. I need rhythm in my life and someone to hold me accountable to it.

Those are the musings of miss Erica Rhorer.

Transformed & Renewed

Over the past few months I have been amazed at how much peace has overwhelmed my soul.  If you had asked me then how I was doing, I would have cried, whined, kicked, and screamed or I probably wasn't around for you to ask because I was always sleeping.  

God is Sovereign

Transformation is happening, and I feel blessed.  Lately, one of the first scriptures that I had learned as a child has been on repeat in my head. 

² Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will. Romans 12: 2

This is exactly what he is doing.  He is renewing my mind.  This is exactly what I had been praying.  

For the past 9 years I have been living in this constant battle with my mind.  Actually I should be real with myself and say that all of my life I have struggled with this.   In the past 9 years it has been one consistent battle.  It was so heavy, tiring, and exhausting.  All my thoughts were hateful, angry, bitter, and sad.  Because of this I was empty.  I often blamed someone for the reason I felt the way I did.  I always pointed fingers.  I believed everyone around me was the problem. 

I never acknowledged that I was at fault.  Once I came out of the closet with my depression, the Lord gracefully started making me aware of my sin.    I was not extending grace to those around me.  I wanted those around me to be just like me, to think like me, and do things my way. Therefore, when those around me were not able to live up to those expectations I would become a witch to be around. I'm not joking.  Ask my husband.

Counseling reminded me that we are all different human beings with different personalities.  We all have strengths. We all have weaknesses.  I have become very fond of the Meyer Briggs Personality test.   I have done it multiple times, and at one point I was really annoyed by it.   However, right now this has been something that is renewing my mind.   I need to extend grace to those who are not like me, and who function differently than I do.  

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”  2 Corinthians 12:9

God extends so much grace.  I am thankful. If he is so gracious to me,  then I too must be gracious to others.

It has been a heart change for me.  A mind change.  A renewing of the mind.  I can boast in the LORD. He has set me free.  Friends,  yes it is true, I no longer have a battle going on in my mind and peace has overwhelmed my soul.  Praise HIM from whom all blessings flow!!!

Seek and You Shall Find

But if from there you seek the Lord your God, you will find him if you seek him with all your heart and with all your soul.  

Deuteronomy 4:29

Medication.  I'm not against taking a medicine.  My friend encouraged me that this could be a tool used to help with healing.  It does not have to be a forever thing.  I agree.  

I called my doctor, explained what has happened, and he prescribed me an antidepressant.  I have been on an antidepressant now for almost a month. I can tell a difference.  Before, my mind would beat me up and drag me down.  Thoughts would go round and round in circles and it would leave me absolutely drained, tired, and so down that when I got home I would need to sleep.  Now my mind does not have reoccurring thoughts dragging me down and my energy has increased.  I have been nicer and have been able to hang out with people more lately.  This I am thankful for.

Like I have said before, I am reading, "Get Out of that Pit" by Beth Moore.  Again, I am thankful. This book is leading me to truth in the scriptures to seek the Lord for healing.  I have learned to Cry out to the Lord, To Confess my state, and to Consent with the Lord.  I am learning how to pray bold prayers utilizing scripture and the book even provides specific prayers to pray throughout the day.  They are indeed fitting to my season.  Praise God for the healing he has already provided and is continuing to do in my heart.  

I am also reading, "Freefall to Fly" by Rebekah Lyons.  This book describes her story through depression and anxiety.  It is also encouraging to hear how the Lord brought her into freedom. She is now living a full life filled with hope.  

Over and Over again I am reminded how loving God is and how compassionate he is.  He really wants to set me free.  Am I asking for help, for deliverance, for redemption?  Am I talking to the Lord daily and getting to know him, telling him of my heart, and praying for those around me?  I know when I am on my knees spilling my heart and then setting still listening through out the day I can honestly hear the Lord directly speaking to me.  This my friend is good.  

Taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the one who takes refuge in him. 

Psalm 34:8

On another note,  last night Justin and I watch the movie, "The Impossible."  This is a heart-wrenching, very depressing movie.  This movie is based on a true story of a family who survived the Tsunami in 2004.  Justin and I cried through the whole movie.  You can read about the real family HERE

This really inspired me to reflect on my life and to be sincerely Thankful.  All to often I am caught up in selfishness and forget the GOOD.  I don't want to forget what is so precious in my sight. 

Stronghold

Anything that becomes a bigger preoccupation in your mind than the truth and knowledge of God, anything that dwarfs His truth and knowledge in your imagination, is a stronghold. In other words, if I have a relationhip through which I can no longer prioritize Christ and His Word, Satain is building a stronghold there. - Beth Moore  "Get out of that Pit"

Money is my stronghold.  There I said it.  I'm obsessed with money. Wanting more. Thinking it will fix my problems.  It consumes my mind.  I didn't want to believe this was an issue in my life.  I thought we all had to have money to live and we are working to make money to live.  So I thought it is natural for us to worry about money.

Justin challenged me Friday after reading a few pages out of a book.
My Identity - when I was a child we had our needs covered, but never had anything extravagant, super nice and very rarely received our wants.
The Problem -  This made me find value in money.  I wanted nice things.  I wanted to make a living where we didnt have to worry about money.  I didn't want to be broke or poor.


Anyways,  I started getting mad at Justin when we were talking about this because it felt like I was being forced into saying it.  But it all changed when I sat and thought that this was not of GOD.  Why can't I talk about it. Why is it making me mad?  This is true.  My value is found in money.


It hurt. I cried.  I don't want my value to be found in money.  My heart is to long for the Lord for my life to overflow with him.  It is not. It is consumed by our lack of money. My every thought is how we don't have enough money.  I don't want to bother with it because it stresses me out. I think about it day and night.  MY STRONGHOLD

Fo the Lord will not Forsake his people. He will not abandon his heritage.  If the Lord Had not been my help my soul would soon have lived in the land of silence.  When I thought "my foot slips," your steadfast love, O Lord, held me up. When the cares of my heart are many your consolations cheer my soul.  ..........But the Lord has beome my stronghold and my God the Rock of refuge.  Psalm 94

Praying for the Lord to become my Stronghold!

Seeking wisdom

Psalm 30

¹ 

I will exalt you, Lord,

    for you lifted me out of the depths

    and did not let my enemies gloat over me.

² 

Lord my God, I called to you for help,

    and you healed me.

³ 

You, Lord, brought me up from the realm of the dead;

    you spared me from going down to the pit.

Where does my help come from?  It comes from the Lord.

Lately I have been seeing a counselor weekly or biweekly.  This has been a huge blessing to verbalize the junk in my head without bias.

Bias is huge.  Sometimes our words can be hurtful and detrimental if shared with the wrong person. It is so important who we confide in because not everyone is a source of wisdom. Talking to someone who is not bias has really helped to sort through my thoughts.  This has prevented the occurance of someone being attacked, hurt, or even judgemental. This has been a wise decision.  

Today was my fourth counseling session.  While counseling has been beneficial I was reminded today during my session that My help comes from the LORD not specifically a counselor.  While I sit and discuss life with her and process through different areas of my life, this counselor CAN NOT ultimately bring healing or change in my life.  

James 1:5


If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. 

Thankful though the LORD can use counselors to bring healing. GOD IS THE HEALER

*****DISCLAIMER***** This is a vulnerable post.

This is an honest post.  The LORD is bringing freedom in my life and I want to blog my journey through it.  You don't have to read. I want to be vulnerable and share my heart.  My life is not full of roses currently.  I, however, do proclaim victory in Jesus. Even though I am not free right now I am professing there will be freedom! ONLY in Christ because he brings true Freedom & Victory. Nothing else can.

Depression.  It is feeling sad. Loss of interest. Inactivity. Difficulty in thinking and concentrating.  Difficulty eating and sleeping.  Feelings of hopelessness and dejection.

I finally came out and vocalized it recently.  I suffer from depression.

I never thought I was depressed.  I just thought I had been through difficult times, which had left me feeling the blues, not so much depression, until the past few years have came and gone.  I have hit rock bottom experiencing every exact one of those terms defining depression.

I am the sixth child of eight.  The youngest girl and two brothers below me.  At an early age I learned independence and what it felt like to have to be responsible.  With this came hardship.

College was tough.  I worked 25-40 hrs a week while taking 15-18 college credit hours.  I made payments on a car and a cell phone.  I also paid for all my living expenses and groceries.  I even had to move myself in and out of the dorm room by myself.  

Hardship.  That was hard. I remember looking around at my college buddies as they talked about their free nights, their spring break trips,  their freedom.  They all had laptops. I had to use the library computers.  They all had meal cards.  I had a week grocery budget.  I'm sure some of them didn't even know what a budget was at that time, but I did.   Resentment came. Envy, jealousy, anger started early then on.  Life is not fair.  I started feeling blue.

My parents were supportive, but not so understanding.  My parents went through hardship.  They knew what it was like to go without your wants and to live in your need.  This was a hard lesson for me.  They helped me through some financials, but of course my mind was always what I didn't have.  A few times I called home asking for money and I was lectured of how irresponsible I was and that I needed to get my priorities straight.  I cried. A LOT.

Financial hardship.  I have grew up with it. Lived in it. Seen the destruction. Experienced the pain it brings.

I thought marriage would bring comfort with financial hardship. I thought a second salary would help relieve some of this pressure.  I was wrong. 

My husband went into ministry and there's not a lot of money that has come with that.  I worried day in and day out about money.  It became an idol in my life.

Worry.  I took it to the cross and I have found victory.  Resentment though I have not. Money I have not. 

My husband left his full-time job 2 weeks before the delivery of my first child.  He was without a full-time job for over a year.  I worked 40+hrs a week on a salary.  There were months we could not make ends meat.  That was the first time in my life I was not able to pay all of my bills.  Before I had always had a job that I could work overtime and could work extra hours to cover extra expense. Not this time.  I had to trust the Lord that each month the bills would get paid.  They did get paid, but not the way I wanted them too.

I was mad that my husband wasn't working, that I wasn't home with our baby. and that I continue to have to take full responsibility for everything.  Well thats the way I felt even if that wasn't really happening.  I was mad, angry, and resentful.

Hence the reason for my last post on discontentment.

The LORD did open a great opportunity for my husband and a little bit of money.  Part-time work.  Yes the LORD is sovereign and he is GOOD, but this in my mind is not enough for me.  I'm being honest.  I'm struggling with feeling provided for and always carrying the heavy financial burden.  I'm falling apart.

Then my mother passed away January 31st.  I broke down, fell apart, and felt as if I could go on no more.  *** I'll save this for another blog post one day of how this has affected me.

I am in a deep PIT. the very bottom.  When I didn't want to hang out with my husband, see my friends or leave the house I realized I am not right.   I took a health survey at work and the results popped up, "You are Depressed and should seek help."

A light bulb came on in my head.

I am Depressed and for the first time -  I said it OUT LOUD.

I don't want to live this way anymore.  You know that life that is JOYFUL, VICTORIOUS, LIFE GIVING, and  HAPPY.  A life where my husband knows that I love him, respect him, and believe in him.  Thats what I want.  I'm ready to fight this battle of depression.  I'm ready to take it to the cross and let Jesus when this whole area of my life.  I'm confronting this DEPRESSION, the stuff that has brought it on, and dealing with it.

I'm getting out of this PIT and one day I will share my testimony of what the LORD has brought me through. I'm going to be able to tell others how GOD is good and how we need to fight for freedom and not let the devil get an foothold in our life. I'm going to live as a VICTORIOUS WOMAN OF CHRIST!

I started sharing a lot of my heart with my husband.  I have started seeing counseling.  I went to my doctor.  I am taking steps to healing.  *** I have an amazing supportive husband and in the past month he has went above and beyond to help me, I LOVE HIM ****


However, true freedom and healing only comes from the LORD.  So it is him whom my help comes from. It is Jesus that will bring victory.  So I run to him, arms wide open, asking him to come in and rescue me.


I have been camped out on this scripture lately.

Habbakkuk 3:17-18 
Though the fig tree does not bud
    and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails
    and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen
    and no cattle in the stalls,
¹⁸ yet I will rejoice in the Lord,
    I will be joyful in God my Savior.

Psalm 20^[a]

For the director of music. A psalm of David.

¹ May the Lord answer you when you are in distress;
    may the name of the God of Jacob protect you.
² May he send you help from the sanctuary
    and grant you support from Zion.
³ May he remember all your sacrifices
    and accept your burnt offerings.^[b]
4 May he give you the desire of your heart
    and make all your plans succeed.
⁵ May we shout for joy over your victory
    and lift up our banners in the name of our God.

May the Lord grant all your requests.

⁶ Now this I know:
    The Lord gives victory to his anointed.
He answers him from his heavenly sanctuary
    with the victorious power of his right hand.
⁷ Some trust in chariots and some in horses,
    but we trust in the name of the Lord our God.
⁸ They are brought to their knees and fall,
    but we rise up and stand firm.
⁹ Lord, give victory to the king!
    Answer us when we call!

Today I watched this video.  Please watch it.  It is about an hour long, but soooo good.

GET OUT OF THAT PIT - BETH MOORE

and I have been moved by these songs.

Jesus Culture - Freedom Reigns

Bones - Hillsong United



Pray with me along this journey,  I love you,

Desiring Contentment

Praying contentment this morning and freedom from dissatisfaction.  Reflecting on Romans 8:25-28.

²⁵ But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently. ²⁶ In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. ²⁷ And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God.²⁸ And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

  In my bible this morning it says, "god weaves everything together for good. The "good" in this context does not refer to earthly comfort but conformity to Christ, closer fellowship with God, bearing good fruit for the kingdom, and final glorification. ". I know I lean on earthly comfort often. I'm begging/praying for a heart change. I'm ready. 

Its been a V.E.R.Y long time

So I don't blog anymore.  As a working mom I don't have much time to do ANYTHING.  My daily life is 1. wake up 2. feed baby 3. Get dressed 4. Go to work 5. come home from work 6. feed baby 7. play with baby. 8. Eat dinner 9. give baby bath. 10 put baby to bed. 11. put myself to bed.

Going back to work after baby was born has been the most difficult life transition for me.  I can't even begin to explain the emotional battle I have been through.  I know God's plan is bigger than mine and it is perfect, but inside I'm screaming, "Its not what I want."  I have been taught a lot over that last 9 months of how selfish I am and how its not about me.  I'm coming back around to a happy me very slowly.

The other battle I have had has been Isaiah's sleeping.  Through my depression of a working mom I missed my baby and I was very very tired in the middle of the night.  Isaiah was a great night sleeper until about a month after me going back to work.  Its a long story, so I will spare you the details, but to make it short Isaiah has made it to our bed. :(  Not what I had in mind as a mother.

Now he is 9 months old and he sleeps terrible.  He is dependent on me to go back to sleep.  I am his pacifier.  UGH!  How did I let this happen?  Right now I am desperate for a change. I bought the baby whisperer books and while I'm on vacation I plan to read and formulate an action plan through prayer.  I can't let him cry it out for hours upon hours. We have tried and have been super unsuccessful.  I don't mind some crying but not 1-3 hours of it. no way.

Isaiah is a very happy happy baby I will say.  He is super fun.  He is crawling everywhere, cruising, laughing, and talking.  I love him so stinking much.

Sleep

Its 4am and I can't sleep.  Being a mommy is so hard at times.  I often find myself worrying about what I'm doing is right.  Lately its been his sleep.
 
Typically night sleeping is what most moms worry about.  As for me, it's day time sleeping.  I'm so frustrated and I find myself worrying about it a lot.  He sleeps so randomly during the day.  There for awhile he would not sleep from 9am-1 or 2pm.  Now he sleeps from 9-12 and wont sleep  in the afternoon.  I find that when he has a morning and afternoon nap that he sleeps much better at night sleeping longer stretches.  If not he is up every 3 hours which I don't mind at all.

I'm not a baby wise mom.  Well, I haven't read the book and I find myself not wanting to read it either. Is that wrong.  No offense to other moms out there who do it, but I don't have the desire/heart to let him cry it out at this point of his life.  I want to nurture him. Maybe I should read it first before criticizing. :)

One problem we have  is that Justin and I get antsy being at home so I like to go out a lot.  Isaiah sleeps great when we are out and about but when we are home all day he does not nap well.  Maybe I'm worrying about it too much. Maybe I need to take a week at home, not leaving the house specifically working on naps.

Any of you moms have any advice or reassurance?

I'm still PREGNANT!!!

Ok, so I know I haven't done much blogging on here likely because we have been so busy working on the house, transition of jobs,  church stuff, and just pure exhaustion from being pregnant.  I wish I blogged more about my pregnancy, but every time I would sit to do it I wouldn't know what to say.  

As for now, I don't really know what to say :)

Tomorrow I will be 41 weeks pregnant.  Yes I'm still working.  I'm patiently waiting for the babies arrival.  Its so interesting to hear everyone's comments when they see me.  

"Your still pregnant."

"When are they going to induce you."

"OMG, your still here?  I thought you'd be off by now." 

"What's your doctors plan?"

Its been fun hearing the comments and getting to say, "Yep, I'm still here, working, patiently waiting."  Everyone has a remedy to induce labor.  I've heard everything.  Have lots of sex, take primrose, drink castor oil, walk, walk, walk, jump on a trampoline, eat spicy food, eat pineapple, go for a run, swallow semen (yes, someone gave me that advice), take the stairs, blah, blah, blah.  Do you really think I'm sitting at home just laying on the couch?!?!?  Well, some nights I am. :)  

It's also been overwhelming to hear how many comments I get about needing to be induced.  It is such a common practice that its expected.  If your baby's not here by your due date then Pitocin it is.  People look at me crazy when I say that I could wait until 42 weeks before induction.  Some really do say I'm crazy.  If you look at the statistics most 1st time moms can be ~8 days past their due date before the baby is born and can be pregnant 42 weeks safely.  

Of course I have been emotional, tired, frustrated, and some days screaming for this baby to come out.  Especially when I'm getting comments constantly about it.  It's not easy waiting, but I care more about letting nature take its course than using medications.  I'm not opposed to medications, I just want to make sure I tried to go as long as possible before initiating them.  

I actually would love to have a home birth.  I have watched so many videos of home birth and want to cry every time. The experience is so intimate, natural, and bonding.  Who knows, maybe with baby #2.

So yes, I am still waiting for baby to come.  I love him so much and can't wait to meet him.  If anything, what I want to hear is encouragement to persevere, that I'm doing a good job by waiting, and affirm me that I'm not crazy.  :)  

Tomorrow I go for my 41 week appointment.  They will do an ultrasound and check my fluid levels and hopefully give me the ok to wait one more week.  Yes I also know about getting my membranes stripped, just saying.